If you’ve ever thought, “I just need more willpower”, you’re not alone. But the women I support, both 1:1 and inside Nourish & Flourish, tend to make the most sustainable change when they lean on compassion. Not the fluffy kind: the evidence based kind that helps the brain shift out of threat and into calm, clear decisions around food.
A beginner’s guide to compassion
1) What compassion is (and isn’t)
Definition. In Paul Gilbert’s model, compassion is “a sensitivity to suffering in self and others, with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.” It’s a motivational system (a drive to care and help), not just a warm feeling. In practice, compassion means noticing distress and doing something that eases it, now and in the future.
In simple terms: it’s choosing what matters and what will make life easier in the long term, even when it feels hard in the moment.
- When compassion is low, we often take actions that accidentally increase our suffering and pull us away from our values and needs.
Example: you feel exhausted, so you skip lunch because it feels like too much effort. It seems easier in the moment, but it usually makes the afternoon harder, you’re even more tired and less able to focus. That isn’t a personal failure; it shows a skill gap we can close by building compassion so those small, helpful steps feel possible in tricky moments.
Not the same as empathy or kindness.
- Empathy is a skill: understanding or feeling another person’s state.
- Kindness is a behaviour: creating conditions for joy or comfort.
Compassion is the caring motive that can use empathy and kindness to take wise, helpful action, even when the preferred choice would be to avoid the hard thing.
A quick illustration:
- Kindness might sound like, “I know you don’t want to go to hospital; let’s just rest at home.” That may feel nice in the moment.
- Compassion is, “You’re frightened and injured; I’ll take you to hospital and stay with you.” It may be uncomfortable now, but it reduces suffering overall.
Compassion often looks more like courage and strength than “being nice”. Being nice still matters, it just has a different job.
Is compassion the same as being “soft” on myself?
No. In Gilbert’s model, compassion is an active motivation to prevent and alleviate suffering, often asking for courage and helpful action.
Common misconceptions about compassion:
- Weak
- Letting yourself off the hook
- Self-indulgent
- Selfish
These beliefs usually come from using the word “compassion” incorrectly – confusing it with being nice, appeasing, or avoiding the hard thing. Compassion isn’t “there, there” while ignoring the problem. It means tolerating the discomfort of what’s happening and supporting yourself (or someone else) to move through it in the most helpful way. That takes strength, courage and commitment, not weakness.
In CFT we also talk about the flows of compassion – to others, from others, and to self. The goal is a healthy balance. Far from being selfish, building selfcompassion increases your capacity to show up for others in a way that genuinely helps without being detrimental to you.
A quick food related example: Compassion isn’t “skip lunch and push on”. It’s noticing you’re stressed, holding that discomfort, and choosing a steady, simple meal so you can function and then, if needed, asking for support rather than burning out.
2) The three flows of compassion (all matter for food calm)
To others: offering care and practical help.
- From others: letting support land (many of us find this surprisingly hard).
- To self: turning the same caring motive inward when we struggle.
Healthy compassion is a free flow of all three. Many people who struggle with food are excellent at caring for others, but find it tough to receive support or offer it to themselves. That imbalance can create chronic over giving and under fuelling, leaving little time or energy for consistent meals or values based goals, and feeding the cycle of exhaustion.
3) Your brain runs three emotional systems – compassion balances them
Gilbert’s model describes three interacting systems that shape how we think and choose around food and life:
• Threat (protect/defend)
Quick alarm; worry, shame, self criticism; the fight/flight/freeze physiology (e.g. adrenaline, cortisol). When it dominates, choices feel urgent or panicky.
- Real life: a dip in body confidence or the sense you’ve “slipped up” with food can trigger “I’ve failed” thoughts, fear of judgement and the urge to compensate. The threat system is vital – it keeps us safe – but if it’s overactive it becomes overwhelming.
• Drive (seek/achieve)
Energy towards goals, meaning and growth; the “reward” side of things (often linked with dopamine). It’s helpful for getting things done, but when paired with high threat it fuels all or nothing cycles.
- Real life: the colleague who never leaves the desk for lunch may look “driven”, but under the surface they might be trying to avoid shame or prove worth. That’s threat, not healthy drive, and it rarely brings the satisfaction they’re chasing. The aim isn’t to remove drive, but to help it come from a healthy place.
• Soothing (safeness/connection)
Calm, contentment, social safeness – the body’s “rest and digest” physiology (often linked with oxytocin). This system allows us to feel safe enough to choose wisely.
- Many people with shame, self criticism, body dissatisfaction or disordered eating tendencies have an under practised soothe system.
- We don’t need to practise threat (it kicks in automatically, that’s its job). We do need to actively practise accessing soothe so we can cross the bridge from threat to healthy drive and take the small, steady actions that move life forward.
Why compassion helps. Compassion is a deliberate way to activate the soothe system (and our caregiving motive), so threat softens and drive steadies. That’s why compassionate practices reduce shame/self criticism and make consistent habits feel possible.
4) Compassion = wisdom + strength + caring commitment
(…and it is not “letting yourself off the hook”)
- Wisdom: choosing the most helpful next step for this moment (e.g., a fibre fuelled snack, a three breath pause, asking for support) – not the perfect step. It uses experience and recognises that thoughts and emotions can be tricky.
- Strength: staying present with discomfort or difficulty long enough to take useful action.
Caring commitment: a genuine wish to reduce suffering (your own and others’) and to follow through on actions that help.
5) How this shows up around food (real life examples)
- Threat led loop: “I’ve blown it → what’s the point → overeat → shame.”
Compassion notices the pain and commits to relief (kinder, more honest self talk; regulation skills; a practical next step), which calms threat and restores choice. - Drive only approach: chasing strict rules can “work” short term but often collapses under stress.
Compassion suggests smaller, values aligned steps that survive real life (e.g., one repeatable breakfast on workdays; a planned afternoon snack). - Letting support land: strengthening the from others flow – community prompts, a check in with a friend, or asking for help – builds safeness and improves follow through, even when the step feels hard.
Why compassion helps with emotional eating, menopause, PCOS & heart health
- Emotional eating & “food noise”: Compassion reduces harsh self criticism and supports emotion regulation, two factors linked with over eating/binge patterns. Higher self compassion relates to lower eating pathology and better body image, and compassion based interventions can help.
- Perimenopause/menopause: This transition can disrupt sleep, energy, body composition and mood. A compassionate approach to nutrition and small, values aligned steps are more realistic than rigid rules aligning with UK guidance on individualised menopause support and evidence around dietary patterns rather than quick fix ‘hormone fixing diets’ that lack any evidence behind them.
- PCOS: Many feel pressured to “cut carbs”. A compassionate approach emphasises carb pairing, fibre, and nervous system calm, helping with energy and cravings, without fear messaging.
- High cholesterol: Compassionate nutrition = practical adds (oats, beans, nuts, olive oil) and flexible eating out strategies this is sustainable because it avoids all or nothing cycles.
Bottom line: compassion isn’t “letting yourself off the hook”, it’s an active motivation to reduce suffering through wise, doable action; it often requires courage to face difficult moments and choose helpful steps.
What the research says
A meta analysis (59 studies) found higher self compassion is linked with lower eating problems and better body image; compassion based interventions outperformed controls.
Studies suggests cultivating compassion can improve food related self regulation during low mood.
Reviews confirm that where there are emotion regulation difficulties leading to difficulties with food; compassion based tools target those processes.
How can I access my soothe system?
There are many ways that we can practice accessing our soothe system, but some simple easy starters are:
- Breathing exercises
- Journaling
- Imagery (imagine your calm or safe place)
- Using our senses e.g. the smell of a calming candle or the touch of a soft blanket
- Mindfulness
- Getting out in nature
How does this relate to “Compassionate Mind Training”?
Compassionate Mind Training is a set of skills within Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Here we’re training the brain to balance the three systems and flows of compassion to be able to translate that into everyday nutrition and behaviour change.
When you want guided support (two gentle options)
- 1:1 nutrition coaching (online): Personalised, values led support for emotional eating, menopause, PCOS – no food policing, no shame.
👉 Book a free 30min Discovery Call - Nourish & Flourish (online community): Weekly prompts, challenges, a monthly live Q&A (replay included), and a compassionate place to ask questions and gain support from like-minded women.
👉 Join Nourish & Flourish
Disclaimer
The information in this blog is for general guidance only and not a substitute for personalised medical advice. Always discuss health concerns with your GP or qualified professional. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please seek specialist support.
